In 2018, the US Government federally legalized hemp and hemp-derived products under the Farm Bill, also known as the Agriculture Improvement Act. The bill created a legal distinction between hemp and marijuana, defining the former as cannabis plants containing 0.3% THC or less on a dry-weight basis and the latter as any cannabis plant surpassing that 0.3% THC threshold. Hemp has been federally legal in the US since, but marijuana remains a controlled substance and only legal in states with a recreational or medical cannabis program.
With all the buzz surrounding hemp-derived cannabinoids, I decided to hop on the bandwagon and try the products made possible by a presumed loophole in the bill. You know, for the noble sake of journalism. More specifically, I chose to experiment with delta 9 gummies. Delta 9 is another name for THC, the most popular psychoactive compound found in cannabis.
My findings? Those can be summed up in two words: holy cow.
My previous experience with cannabis is not unlike most people’s, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself. I started experimenting with weed in my final years of high school, smoking alleyway joints packed with subpar grass, or “dirt,” as my friends and I would call it.
When I got to college, I found myself a trusty dealer. He was the real deal. He’d show up to my house with a suitcase full of baggies just like in the movies and could only be accessed through a referral from one of his already existing clients. I was a loyal customer for over two years.
After graduating (with honors, to offset some of that bad stoner reputation) I moved away, and with no contacts and no recreational dispensaries around me, I had to start from scratch. That’s when I realized I could access a legal, hemp-derived high anywhere in my state. But more importantly, that’s when I realized I wasn’t limited to local smoke shops or, God forbid, gas stations. I could buy whatever I wanted whenever I wanted by shopping for cannabinoids online, which brings us to today.
After some research, I opted to source my goodies from Diamond CBD. Being in the business for a little under a decade, and offering more compounds than I even knew existed, I trusted Diamond to deliver a safe and pleasant psychoactive experience in a timely manner. And deliver they did.
They had dozens upon dozens of THC gummies, from all-in-one blends to a line of gummy jars with funny-looking faces. I opted for the Delta 9 Mushroom Blend in Mixed Berries, a product that offered a total of 400mg of delta 9 and 600 mg of delta 8, another psychoactive cannabinoid that has grown in popularity in recent years. Although the name was a little misleading, these gummies don’t actually make you feel like you’re on shrooms. Instead, it was made with 300mg of a Lions mane, Reishi, and Cordyceps blend, which supplements the high but doesn’t make you trip balls.
After taking advantage of a sale too good to pass up and Diamond’s free 2-day shipping, I got my little package just a few days after I initially placed my order. I opened it to find my little jar of happiness safely packaged in the cardboard box.
My package arrived in the morning, coincidentally on my day off, and you best believe I didn’t put this experiment off for any longer than I had to. My day went a little like this.
As soon as they arrived, I opened the little jar and popped two gummies, each containing 10mg of delta 9 and 15 mg of delta 8, for a total of 20mg of delta 9 and 30mg of delta 8. In retrospect, I should’ve probably started with just one gummy. After all, I had been taking a forced tolerance break due to my lack of access to marijuana. Screw it, I thought, It’s only hemp anyways.
From what I found on online discussion boards, this thought process is fairly common among those of us just now switching from marijuana to hemp. And, oh boy, what a mistake we all made.
An hour later, I still felt normal. I’d taken edibles in the past, and knew I had to give them some time to kick in. Something about digesting the edible and waiting for the liver to process and metabolize the THC before it enters the bloodstream.
I contemplated taking another one but decided to give it a little more time and instead use that window to finish some laundry.
I started to feel the buzzy effects of these cannabinoids. I was almost done folding the last of my sweatshirts, and all of a sudden, this wave of complete relaxation washed over my entire body. It started in my shoulders and eventually made its way down my abdomen and limbs. I could feel my eyes drooping and the music I was listening to went from “I have good taste” to “Jimi Hendrix is alive and serenading me in my one-bedroom apartment.”
I laid down on my bed, allowing the gummies to wash away my worries, decided to head to the living room to watch TV.
I was indecisive on what to watch, but to be fair, I always am, so it wouldn’t be right to attribute it to the weed. I turned on my television, not even sure of what streaming service to click on. I stared at the screen, and then something glorious happened.
The TV screen began moving on its own, changing the backdrop from my usual home screen to a city where wonderful things were happening. A giant robot was seen walking behind the tall buildings, and Big Ben was being abducted by aliens!
I’d seen this backdrop a million times but seeing it high on delta 9 gummies—it was like the TV came alive. I looked at the clock. I’d been staring at this backdrop for almost half an hour. 25 minutes to be exact.
I decided enough is enough, and snapped back into it. I picked a random streaming service and opted for cartoons. Everything was going well, until my stomach started growling.
The label on the gummies says to make sure not to operate heavy machinery. In my mind, the stove is included in this blanket term. In all honesty, the microwave would’ve been cutting it close in my current state. So, as a responsible adult, I played it safe and got food delivered.
After some time of drooling over every picture of food I saw, I settled for Chinese food. General Tso’s Chicken always tastes better when you’re high. As do spring rolls. And Lo Mein. But that’s beside the point.
I waited for my food impatiently, what seemed like hours was, to my surprise, actually just around 25 minutes. What happened next can only be described as savagery. I devoured my food as soon as I set it down, not even waiting to swallow a bite before taking another. I was a vacuum, and my noodles were mere dust particles. Before I knew it, the cartoons on the TV were in a predicament unrelated to the first episode I played, and my takeout boxes were virtually empty except for a stray grain of rice or a noodle stuck to the side of the box.
By sunset, I was already feeling sluggish, or better said, more sluggish than before. These gummies had lifted me up to new heights, making music sound better and kids’ shows funny to a full-grown adult. But now, they were gently letting me down, lulling me to a deep and relaxing sleep. The sound from the TV faded, and sense of warmth enveloped my whole body. It was the perfect combination of a food comma and delta 9’s sleep-aiding properties.
I didn’t even make it back to bed. I woke up the next morning still on my couch, still under the decorative throw blanket I keep in the living room that helps me pretend I have my life together. I felt revitalized. Rested. Like I hadn’t just worked a 50-hour week. I stayed on the couch for a little longer, before deciding to hop in a warm shower.
In retrospect, I should’ve definitely stuck to taking one edible instead of two. Perhaps I wouldn’t have spent so long looking at a TV background, or intaking more calories than the average human should in one day. But maybe the music wouldn’t have sounded as good, and maybe I wouldn’t have slept like a bear in hibernation.
In the end, I can’t say I have any regrets. I’ll admit, I was a hemp non-believer before I tried these gummies. But now, my eyes are open to the amazing effects of the plant, and how incredible it is that this experience is actually legal in the United States. As I type this, my other browser window is open to Diamond CBD, and I’m looking for my next purchase. Anyone ever heard of THCO?
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